Ladies And Gentlemen, Leonard Cohen.

My Life.

UKULELE ANTHEM!

So.

I saw Jason Webley’s 11-11-11 show in Seattle last weekend.  Yes, Seattle is a good ways away from Agoura Fucking Hills, but I wasn’t going to miss the show for anything.  ANYthing.  When he played the opening of “Icarus,” a song Amanda Palmer has covered on more than one occasion, I got kind of…excited.  I thought, “Is she gonna come sing with him?  Is this gonna be the best performance of “Icarus” to ever occur on planet earth?”

This is what I managed to capture.  That’s me saying, “There she is…Wait…” and then screaming “WHAAAAAA!!” when she comes out.  Well, okay, I guess everyone is screaming, but my scream is the clearest, as I’m the person holding the camera.

After they sang “Icarus” together, they sang “Elephant Elephant,” which was damn jolly good.  I didn’t get any of it on film because I wanted to just enjoy the moment (someone else did, though…http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AQD_MbhwCbM), but THEN, oh then, THEN Neil Gaiman came onstage and read a poem about The Night Before His Wedding, which I did catch on film…and it did make me cry…just a little bit.

You can hear me release an intense “I’m absurdly single” exhale at 1:50.  And I apologize for the shitty video quality — I should probably save up for a new camera.  It could take me a few years, but I’ll do it.

The show went on for a good three hours.  All was right with the world.  Like…ALL was right with the ENTIRE freaking WORLD.

This was Friday night.  I got back to Agoura fucking Hills on Sunday night.  It is now Wednesday night.  I can do whatever I want with my time — go to the gym, go out to dinner, paint pictures of dinosaurs, etc. — but all I can really do is think about that damn 11-11-11 show.  I’m not going to go into the show’s effect on me — those details (a bunch of crap about FEELINGS and ENERGY and THE UNIVERSE and GROWTH and LIFE) are for my diary ONLY. All I will say is that it was a great time, and I will definitely tell my grandkids the story of the time when their crazy grandma was young and vibrant and ditched work to fly to Seattle to watch a skinny man in a hat play the accordion.

Interestingly enough, I haven’t really felt the urge to listen to any of Jason Webley’s music since arriving back home.  I’m definitely not over it, but I definitely do need some time to reflect…and listen to something else.

The feeling is similar to the one I get after I watch The Godfather — I can’t just turn on the TV and watch whatever comes on after sitting through the greatest damn movie ever made.  At the same time, I can’t just start the movie over…

So, what have I been listening to?

I’ve been listening to this.  And it rocks.  It rocks HARD.  It rocks HARD and it makes me want to spend a lot more time making SPANK paddles and writing poems and painting pictures of dinosaurs.  I suggest you give this a listen.

My Top Five Most Terrifying Muppet Moments

All right, listen.  In honor of Halloween, I am going to admit something about myself that is somewhat embarrassing.

Ya know, on second thought, I do that all the time.  Let’s try this again.

When I was a child, I was addicted to watching television.  In fact, it could even be argued that I watched entirely too much of it.  Like any other kid I had favorite shows (“Barney,” “My Little Pony,” “Ren & Stimpy,” “Beavis & Butthead”…), but I also watched TV just to watch it.  Lord knows how many hours I spent sitting on the couch staring at the TV screen with my mind a complete and utter blank.  When my mom would sit and watch “All My Children” while nursing my baby brother, I would always watch with her.  When my parents would sit down to watch “Twin Peaks” after putting us kids to bed, I would listen for the theme music, creep out my room, sneak up on my folks and say, “Hey guys.”

Remember “Dumbo’s Circus”?  It aired on The Disney Channel in the early 1990′s.  I didn’t love it, and it didn’t hold a candle to “Pooh Corner,” but since it came on before “Pooh Corner” I watched it religiously.

I remember very little from this show.  I do remember that the koala was kind of a wimp and the showgirl cat was hot, but boring.  In fact, the whole show was kind of boring. While this show probably contributed to my undying love for the “What the HELL?”, it was probably just a big waste of my time.   It wasn’t funny, it wasn’t exciting, it was just stupid.  It didn’t even scare me.

Ya know what scared the Hell out of me when I was a kid?

Yup.  ”The Muppet Show.”  I ended up having to sleep in my parents’ bed on several occasions because I had watched the Muppets sing a creepy song or do a creepy dance earlier that afternoon.  Did I ever think to just stop watching “The Muppet Show”?  Absolutely not.  The Muppets weren’t always scary, and even when they were, it kinda thrilled me.  Plus, ya know, what else was I gonna do?  Bad dreams be damned!  – I wasn’t gonna turn off the Idiot Box.

Quick side note: I’m proud to say I’m no longer addicted to TV.  Oh, I love SHOWS, but I haaaaate TV.  Perhaps someday I will write about the difference.

That’s a good enough preamble, I think.  I now present to you, my TOP FIVE MOST TERRIFYING MUPPET MOMENTS!

#5

FRAZZLE!

Every damn time Frazzle appeared, my heart skipped a beat.  I HATED the sight of that freaking orange monster.  Everything would be going just fine — GREAT, even — and then that freaky-toothed creeper who spoke in demonic tongues would show up and send waves of terror throughout my five-year-old body.  I still don’t like the look of him.

#4

VINCENT TWICE, VINCENT TWICE!

This isn’t funny.  This is only funny for parents who have to watch “Sesame Street” with their kids.  When I was five, I didn’t know who the Hell VINCENT PRICE was.  I wasn’t in on the joke.  I didn’t get that this even WAS a joke!  I just thought this had been dreamed up to torture me.  Late at night, his voice would pop into my head and I’d yell for my poor sleep-deprived mom.

#3

SESAME STREET NEWSFLASH: MAGIC MIRROR!

  I don’t know if it was aired on “The Muppet Show,” or if Kermit made appearances on “Sesame Street.”  Either way, the bit usually terrified me.  This was was especially traumatizing.  Even now, 20 years later, the big purple bastard makes me feel a bit uneasy.

#2

VINCENT PRICE HOSTS “THE MUPPET SHOW”!

This one was a big, big deal.  I watched it one morning during a day off school, and I had to sleep in my parents room that night.  How I endured the whole thing, I have no idea.  Every single sketch scared me.  The most terrifying bit was the part about the three eyed man — he comes in at the very end of this clip.  At least I can laugh a little bit at this now, but at the time….::shudder::

#1

MARLEY AND MARLEY’S NUMBER IN THE MUPPET CHRISTMAS CAROL!

 (I know this is a feature film and not a show, but it is a Muppet-themed spectacle, so it counts).

This movie came out December of 1992, and since I watched it at home, not in the movie theater, I must have seen it a year later.  (Well, I only saw part of it…)  My dad had gone out with my older brother, so my mom had planned a “girls night in” for the two of us.  She made us a yummy dinner, and then afterwards we put on our matching nightgowns (which may or may not have had red and white vertical stripes and teddy bears and lace collars…) and we sat down to watch, yes, The Muppet Christmas Carol.  Everything was going fine — actually, I was even a little bored — until suddenly Marley and Marley (played by Statler and Waldorf) had to show up.  They were GHOSTS, they were covered in CHAINS, and they sang a scary song.  I made it up to the part where they said, “Our hearts were painted black,” and then I demanded we turn the movie off immediately.  I had to sleep in my parents’ room TWO NIGHTS IN A ROW before I was ready to brave it by myself.  (Actually, this was during the time I shared a room with my brother, so the fact that I couldn’t go to our room meant I was extra cowardly.)  I never, NEVER, tried to watch this movie again during my childhood.  I finally watched the whole thing during December of 2009 with my friend Kelly.  We were huddled in my tiny Santa Cruz apartment freezing our asses off, eating popcorn and watching The Muppet Christmas Carol.  When Marley & Marley sang their song, Kelly laughed at me.  I laughed, too, and all was right with the world.

Happy Halloween, everyone.

Happy Halloween, five-year-old Steff.  I would definitely babysit you if I could.

Anybody Want Anything?

want |wänt; wônt|

verb

1 [ trans. ] have a desire to possess or do (something); wish for : I want an apple | [with infinitive ] we want to go to the beach | [ trans. ] she wanted me to go to her room | [ intrans. ] I’ll give you a lift into town if you want.

     • desire (someone) sexually : I’ve wanted you since the first moment I saw you.

noun

1 chiefly archaic; a lack or deficiency of something: Victorian houses which are in want of repair | it won’t be through want of trying.

     • the state of being poor and in need of essentials; poverty : freedom from want.

2 a desire for something : the expression of our wants and desires.

Ever heard of California Chicken Cafe?  It’s a restaurant chain here in Southern Cali.  Most everything on the menu involves chicken, and, rest assured, the items that don’t contain chicken contain avocado.  You can also add chicken to any non-chicken item for $1.75.

You don’t know what you’re missing.  Really.  ::Cough::

California Chicken Cafe is a popular lunch option at the office where I work.  I, myself, rarely participate in the California Chicken Cafe extravaganzas.  No, I don’t think I’m better than everyone, I just can’t be spendin’ money on shit that doesn’t bring me immense joy.  Plus, I spent all my money on baked clams and cannoli last week at San Gennaro in New York City.

I regret nothing.

Today, a co-worker was about to make a chicken run when he suddenly cried out, “Anybody else want anything from California?”

There was a pause, and then I asked, ”From California?”

“Yeah.”

I thought for a moment, and then said, “I want a house near the ocean.”

My co-worker laughed.

“No, no, as in, do you want anything from California Chicken Cafe.”

I didn’t want any damn chicken.  I did, however, proceed to ramble about some of the things I do, in fact, want.  When it was time for me to shut up and get back to work, the rambling continued in my head.

I now present to you Ten Random Things I Want.  Some of them are unique to California, and some of them…well…

♥♥♥

Ten Random Things I Want

by Stephanie Callas

10.

I want a house near the ocean.  I will live there by my damn self until I decide I want company.  I have not yet decided the exact location of this house, but I know it will be North of Pismo.  It will be impeccably decorated, and feature a killer sound system.

9.

I want my car to be paid the Hell off.  No more monthly car payments.  None.

8.

I want a bulldog.  An English Bulldog.  I will name him Brando and he will be my buddy.  He will be a healthy boy, with no respiratory problems or hip dysplasia, and he will not die of heatstroke like so many English Bulldogs tend to do.  He will be chubby and cute and he will love The Godfather as much as I do.

7.

I want to know how to program computer viruses.   Ya never know when ya may need to rip someone off.

6.

I want the cryogenically frozen body of Walt Disney.  People will come from all over the world just to get a glimpse of it, and I will charge admission based on my personal prejudices.  60-year-old man in an Armani suit with a 23-year-old socialite on his arm?  $10,000.  Cute hippie-boy with a beard and a beanie who wants to stop and see The Walt on his way to Mexico?  Admission is free!  (This is, of course, not including the food and wine he will inevitably purchase in his effort to seduce me).

5.

I want to be able to travel.  I’m talkin’ far and wide.  I want to wake up, decide that I should spend the weekend in Barcelona drinking from a wine skin and speaking in an English accent and introducing myself as Brett, and then go do it.

4.

I want to be friends with John Waters.  I want to be on a first name basis with him.  When he’s not visiting me in my fabulous house by the ocean, he will be sending me funny text messages and buying me semi-perverted presents.  We will Skype every Monday morning while we’re having our coffee.  He will say things like, “Mondays are just such a DRAG,” and I will say, “Honey, you WISH you were a DRAG,” and he will say, “Honey, the world couldn’t HANDLE all THIS in DRAG,” and I will say, “Honey, you WISH the world couldn’t handle YOU in DRAG”…

3.

I want to speak fluent French.  I will go to Farmer’s Markets all over the world and ONLY speak French.

2.

I want a box of cannoli from Ferrara’s bakery to be delivered to my door every Friday night.  FRESH.  I want them to be all different varieties — regular, chocolate, Nutella, pistachio — and they will all have perfect shells and perfect filling.  I will serve the cannoli to all of my fabulous dinner guests.  Some parties will be small, and others will put Woodstock to shame.  Brando will be everyone’s favorite couch companion, and John Waters will bring out everyone’s inner freak.  Tom Waits will be playing the piano and Patti Smith will be playing the clarinet.  Peter O’Toole will be serving champagne and Leonard Cohen will be handing out white lilies.  Nick Cave and Barbara Streisand will perform duets that bring the guests to their knees in cathartic abandon.  My parents will be excited to be out of the house and my brothers will be happy to be away from school and work, even though school and work is treating them just fine.  All my friends will bring fabulous dates — no assholes, no losers, no fuddy-duddies — and those who do not will be more than thrilled to spend an evening unattached and irresponsible.  No one will get drunk, and everyone will get happy.  The next morning, I won’t have to do one bit of cleaning.  While everyone is driving home, not one person will be thinking about work problems or school problems or money problems or family problems or marriage problems or credit card problems or plumbing problems or love problems.  No one will think, “I should have just stayed home and studied,” or, “I should have stayed in and searched for a new job,” or, “I wish that guy had called me back,” or, “I wish that girl hadn’t been there.”  All they will be thinking is, “I can’t believe I got a picture with the cryogenically frozen body of Walt Disney.”

1.

I guess it goes without say that I want World Peace, so fuck it — I want Don Draper.

The End?

Google Search III

Google Search II P.S.

I mean, I'd click on this. Wouldn't you?

Google Search II

This Is What People Type Into Google When They Find My Blog.

So Gay.

This is a video of a little boy meeting a gay couple. His first gay couple. He doesn’t hide his surprise — he’s definitely bewildered by the whole thing. When he yells, “That means you MARRIED EACH OTHER?” he doesn’t do so in a way that suggests disgust — he’s actually kind of excited to see something so totally far out.

Once the idea of Two Husbands settles in his mind, though, what does he say? “That means you love each other.”

Yes. That’s what it means. It doesn’t mean, “That means you’re insane,” or “That means you’re perverts,” or “That means you’re going to try to get me to grow up to have a husband, too.”

The Conservative Right argues that gay marriage will impact our country’s children negatively — So And So Has Two Mommies will be read in preschool classes, which will OBVIOUSLY influence children to lead homosexual lifestyles. The entire country will go gay. People will be fornicating in the streets having really gay sex. It will all be really really gay.

Anyone with half a brain knows that that’s not going to happen if gay marriage becomes legal in all fifty states (we’ll probably have a Jewish female President before we see that, but hey). At any rate, if parents are concerned about how the whole thing may impact their kids, let’s start slow.  If reading So And So Has Two Mommies is too radical for now, so be it. These things take time.

What SHOULD we do? Instead of constantly repeating, “Marriage is between a man and a woman,” how about we keep it simple and borrow a line from this kid’s book? “Marriage is between two people who love each other.”  Maybe it shouldn’t even be a preschool teacher’s responsibility to tell them that.  Maybe that attitude should begin at home, huh?

That’s my piece. Good night, and good luck.