What I Really Learned in College

>Freshman Year:

  1. It is, in fact, possible to overdose on coffee. I did this once whist pulling an all-nighter to write an essay that wasn’t even actually due the next day. I had my first panic attack that night. I’ve had them ever since.
  2. I’m not picky enough about who I date. If I find out that a boy I like likes me back, I go in to girlfriend mode and don’t come out until after I’ve finally discovered that my boyfriend is an insane sexual deviant.
  3. When presented with unlimited amounts of soft-serve, I will eat unlimited amounts of soft-serve.
  4. I become a film and music philosopher when I’ve had one too many chardonnays.
  5. I am just not meant to be a pothead.

Sophomore Year:

  1. When I discover something new that I like, I will devote my time and money to researching and/or acquiring every last tidbit of material related to said thing. In the past, this has included watching every Johnny Depp film and memorizing every line of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. I am currently working my way through Robert De Niro’s entire filmography. This pattern started sophomore year after I saw The Pogues in concert. Thanks to that evening, I know more than I ever thought I would about Shane MacGowan, and Straight to Hell is one of my favorite films.
  2. I like the idea of being romanced by a dirty, smoking, drinking, swearing Irishman/Englishman/Scotsman. Again, thanks Shane MacGowan for rekindling my love for all things UK and inspiring me to research Pete Doherty.
  3. I hate Intro to Creative Writing classes.
  4. I’m rather good at writing free form poems.
  5. Do not submit your free form poems about kissing boys to poetry contests. You will get honorable mention and your mom will see.

Junior Year:

  1. If I throw caution to the wind and try something new, it might end up being pretty kick ass.
  2. If I throw caution to the wind and ask a cute boy if he wants to grab a drink, I should first make sure he isn’t a dirty hippy who works at a liquor store and believes that Planned Parenthood is run by Eugenicists. If all those things apply, I must not proceed to date him for two and a half months.
  3. I hate Advanced Creative Writing classes.
  4. Dante’s Inferno pretty much rules.
  5. White Zinfandel should be outlawed.

Senior Year:

  1. I tend to forget that sushi has mercury.
  2. If I can get away with not wearing any makeup, I won’t.
  3. Chocolate Fiber One pop-tarts are a revelation.
  4. I prefer shopping at local health food stores. This will prove to be a problem once I move back to suburbia to live with Mom and Dad, where the only stores around are Ralph’s and Vons and the only coffee joint is Starbucks and everyone drives a friggin’ SUV and all the girls have orange skin and all the guys love Lil Wayne and there aren’t any hobos or street performers or crack heads who fall asleep inside Taco Bell and there’s no student radio and no independent video stores and Barnes and Noble and Best Buy are the only places you can buy cd’s and forget about finding a copy of Raging Bull for under $20 and Holy Hell what am I going to do when I take for granted that someone’s a bleeding heart liberal and it turns out they’re conservative and I try to explain that I’ve been living in Santa Cruz for the past five years where their kind is nowhere to be seen? I mean, um, I prefer local organic produce.
  5. No matter what happens to me, things could be worse. I could be stuck in my Canterbury Tales class.

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