1956 Called. Apparently It Doesn’t Want Petty Misogyny Back.

Holy Mother of All That Is Holy.

Yes, “Mother.”  Life-giver.  Caretaker.  Diaper-changer.  Housekeeper.  Chef.  Chauffeur.  Goddess Supreme who deserves nothing less than complete and utter reverence.

This article, if you can even call it that, was brought to my attention this afternoon by a good friend of mine via facebook.  It’s titled “Things women must learn from men.”  (That’s right.  It doesn’t even have proper capitalization, and yet there it is, in writing, for all the internet to see.)  This friend of mine deemed it, “one of many reasons why no one likes Yahoo!”  I opened up the link expecting to see some asinine dissertation on lipstick shades and sexting, but, instead, I saw something a couple million times more terrifying.

The piece begins:

Things women must learn from men

Beyond doubt, women are the finest creations of the Almighty. They posses some qualities that are even beyond the comprehension of men. However, if they adopt some of the qualities of men too, they will undeniably be the better sex.

From the beginning, this article (feature, commentary, whatever) is a complete waste of time.  First of all, I’ve had enough of The Almighty being used as a tool to minimize womankind.  It’s bad enough that He keeps coming up in the political discussions of the [mostly male] sociopaths who run this country, but does He also have to make appearances in Yahoo! puff pieces?  BAD Yahoo! puff-pieces?

“They possess some qualities that are even beyond the comprehension of men.”  This is just boring.  If I wanted to be entertained by this kind of shit, I’d pour myself a drink, put on Down with Love, and call it a day.  News Flash: there is no “better sex.”  There are amazing men and amazing women, as well as shitty men and shitty women.  And please, let’s not minimize gender inequality and bring it down to the level of Boys vs. Girls like it’s Coke vs. Pepsi.  Please?

Oh, but you’re going to, aren’t you?  You just are.  You so are.

There is no foreseeable end to the battle of the sexes. So it would be wise to come to terms with the fact that both sexes have some qualities that are unique to each of them. Men are creatures of physical strength, chivalry and pride whereas women are creatures of beauty, grace and elegance. However, there are some things that are universal to all men, but went somewhere missing in the case of women. Let’s take a look at some of those things.

Most things just aren’t universal.  That’s not my UC Santa Cruz liberal education talking — it’s just a fact. “‎Men are creatures of physical strength, chivalry and pride whereas women are creatures of beauty, grace and elegance.” I’m gonna hafta stop ya right there…I can accept the fact that my brothers can lift more weight than I can, but I can belch like I have balls.  And what about all those [awesomely sexy] skinny men out there who just plain cannot gain muscle?  Also, who the Hell is to say that men cannot be elegant?  Have ya seen Fred Astaire dance?  Have ya seen David Bowie sing “Ziggy Stardust” in a kimono?  Have ya seen Cary Grant do ANYTHING?

Yeah.  What NOW, Yahoo?

But oh, we’re not even at the rules yet.

1. Dialling down Emotions

Women have a penchant for being dramatic. It is understandable that women are sensitive beings, but having emotional outbreaks over the most trivial things is something that can be avoided for the better interest of all.

All right.  I will be the first to admit that I cried two nights ago when I heard the opening bars of a Tom Waits song come on my iTunes shuffle.  It was one of those moments where I wasn’t sure why I was crying.  I was crying because I was tired.  I was also crying because I was happy.  I was also crying because the moment was perfect.  I was sitting in my room alone typing a list of all my film and music heroes, and then Tom Waits started singing to me, and all was right with the world.  Often times, when punched in the face by a beautiful piece of art, I will let the tears roll free.  (And yes, if it were a certain week of the month, I probably would have cried more.  It’s SCIENCE, assholes.  EVOLUTION. VITAL TO THE SURVIVAL OF HUMANKIND.  That being said, let’s stop minimizing a woman’s period.  My last period made me so sick I ended up in the health center at work unable to walk and unable to drive home.  But, then again, I’m just an emotional woman.  I shoulda stuck it out and crashed my car.  Like a man.)

And let me be even more frank.  Men are emotional creatures, too.  It is completely unfair that males are taught from a very young age that is it not acceptable for them to cry (get nervous, get scared, get excited, etc.).  Who came up with that rule?  And does it really make things easier for everyone?  To just walk around like volcanoes ready to erupt at any moment?  Instead of labeling any singular display of emotion as “dramatic,” lets just accept that humans are meant to have emotions…shall we?  Maybe?

Also, when my high school boyfriend agreed to watch Moulin Rouge! with me and ended up loving it, I fell so damn in love with him.  I also loved it every time he showed up at my house in the morning with an iced Americano.  Ya know why?  Because it’s awesome when men are sensitive AND when they like taking care of a woman.  In fact it’s hot.  So, what does that teach you?  Fuck you, Yahoo!

2. Be More Realistic

Often, women seem to live by a make-believe perspective that clouds the reality from them. While it is perfectly appropriate to be positive, it is not apt to blatantly ignore your flaws and faults. Embracing faults and living with them is something women can learn from men.

Okay.  So women do things like watch wedding shows and dream about their ideal centerpieces.  They also dream about meeting ideal partners who treat them with respect.  Guilty as charged.

“Embracing faults and living with them is something women can learn from.”  Right, uh, because men never spend hours at the gym showing off their hard earned muscles?  Because there hasn’t been an increase in men of all sexual orientations who do things like have their nails manicured?

AND FUCK YOU, PLENTY OF MEN HAVE RIDICULOUS EXPECTATIONS OF WOMEN!

Think of all the scum bags out there who only date women who have breasts implants.  Think of all the scum bags out there who only date women who are smaller than a size 8.  Think of all the scum bags out there who only like blondes, or only like redheads.  Think of all the scum bags who can’t stand the sight of a woman without makeup. Think of all the scum bags out there who assume that every woman is insane (and rich!) enough to regularly allow a total stranger to cover their vulvas with hot wax in the name of eradicating unwanted, all natural pubic hair.

I could go on?  And I am NOT anti-man.  I’m anti-scum bag.  And this article.

I LOVE MEN.  I love men SO MUCH that I can’t stand the idea of them being portrayed as emotionless, hard-hearted assholes.

3. Be Daring

Life is something that can only be thoroughly enjoyed by taking risks.  Women often hold back on some of the most crucial junctures of life when they should have just taken the leap. Mankind has made numerous advances just because of man’s affinity towards risk.

I think this is a thinly veiled plea for anal.  Yeah.  Definitely.

4. Be Less Intense

Women are always picky on the details even up to the point of obsession. They seem to over-analyze and complicate some of the simplest things in life. While attention to detail is a good quality, women should learn not to push the limits of the same.

“Women are always picky on the details even up to the point of obsession.”  I wore a sleeveless dress to a party a few weekends ago and I didn’t bother shaving my armpits.  No one noticed.

Again, what is this “always” bullshit?  This suggests that men are “never” picky about details, which is completely unfair.  Generally speaking (see what I did there?), men are not completely mindless wastes of space who sit on couches not giving a shit about absolutely anything that transpires in their lives.  That is the kind of man you see in commercials who sits idly watching his pragmatic wife clean the floor with Swiffer wipes.  That man isn’t real, ok?  And if he is, he’s single.  And probably high.

Finally, I’ve dated many a man who had more than a touch of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.  “I can’t hang out with you for the next few weeks.  I have a midterm.”  “Don’t touch that door handle!  Wash your hands!”

See?

5. Driving

No offence to the ladies but they just never seem to get the hang of driving a car. They even have a hard time parking the car. So this is one of the practical traits that women can learn from men.

I am not even going to dignify this with my opinion.  I am not going to tell the story of the time when my father decided to teach me to drive a stick shift before I had even been behind the wheel of an automatic and he ended up hitting his head against the windshield because he neglected to fasten his seat belt before DRAMATICALLY yelling at me to slam on the breaks.  I am not going to bother saying that both of my brothers have had minor fender benders, while I have never EVER had a minor fender bender.    I will say, though, that I noticed you spelled “offense” as “offence.”  This tells me you’re probably English.  I know that because I pay attention to detail.  Just like Sherlock Holmes…who, I’m rather sure, had a penis.

6. Forgive All

Men don’t hold grudges; they seem to sort even the biggest fights over beer. Women can surely learn a thing or two from the brotherly bond of men.

The brotherly bond of men?  You mean when you’re paid to beat the shit out of each other in stadiums?  Or when you have one too many beers and end up punching each other in the face and getting thrown out of bars?  Do the men who run the world start hideously destructive wars with each other because they can’t figure out when and where to meet up for a couple pints of Guinness?

To reference my own life again, plenty of males have held grudges against me.  Many of my ex-boyfriends held grudges because I broke up with them.  Ya know why?  They didn’t like being broken up with.  It hurt their pride.  It hurt their feelings.  It made them sad and angry, because these men were (and still are…) human-beings with emotions.  Oh, I was plenty sad and confused as well, don’t get me wrong, and I’ve had more than one Closure Conversation with an ex-boyfriend that led to BOTH of us getting a little bit weepy.

And yeah, men have de-friended me on facebook over trivial fucking grudges.  We all do dumb shit.  ALL of us.

7. Technology Literate

Women and technology don’t go well. While men humbly embrace their geeky side, women like to keep a reasonable distance from it. It wouldn’t hurt for women to learn a thing or two more about their gadgets.

I know ALL THERE IS TO KNOW about my “gadget”. It’s got six different speeds.

Do you have six different speeds?

8. Sense of Humour

Men can be light-hearted about almost anything while women are not that receptive to all kinds of humour. Women can certainly enjoy themselves more by increasing their range of humour.

I don’t know where this is coming from.  Have you not seen Who Framed Roger Rabbit?  When asked why she is married to Roger Rabbit, Jessica — the ultimate example of realistic expectations, right? — simply states, “He makes me laugh.”  Women LOVE to laugh.  It’s all we do when we get together.  Ever wonder why the words “giggling” and “girls” often appear right next to each other?  It’s because girls often DO spend lots of time giggling.  It’s fun.  Why do you think we love having epic sleepovers so much?  We laugh our asses off.

My first love was Adam Sandler.  I find Jack Black irresistibly sexy.  Drew Barrymore married Tom Green, for fuck’s sake.  And ya know what?  I know plenty of men who loved Ted and hate Woody Allen movies.  How’s THAT for not having a “range of humour”?

The article just kinda ends.  Just kinda sits there.  Like a fucking turd.  There’s no conclusion, or final paragraph of cookie-cutter wisdom that synthesizes all these ideas and leaves the female reader with the boost she needs to transform herself into the perfect woman with the help of these eight easy tips.  Then again, judging by the intelligence displayed within this list, I’m sure that whomever wrote this was absolutely exhausted by the time he or she finished typing and hit “submit.”

I’m exhausted, too.  I’m done with the commercially accepted assumption that Women’s Rights are synonymous with splitting a dinner bill.  I’m exhausted by the fact that there are people out there who read this Yahoo! piece of shit and took it seriously.  I’m exhausted by the idea that young girls are taught that “feminist” is a dirty word.  I’m exhausted by generalities, vagaries, and steadfast expectations.

So exhausted, I am now going to watch The Sopranos with my younger brother and one of my very best girlfriends.  We are going to stuff our faces with guacamole and watch people manipulate and shoot each other.  We are going to laugh at Pauly and cringe at Christopher.  If something offends my brother, I am not going to make fun of him.

Also, I’m gonna brush my teeth for the first time today (as it’s now 4pm and I have company), and I think I should also put on a bra so my breasts don’t get all saggy and give men the wrong idea that breasts are body parts that are just as subject to aging and gravity as their balls are.

Plus, it’ll feel good to get out of this room.  I’ve just been writing here in my bed all day.  On my laptop.  That I don’t know how to operate, apparently.

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