Stupid Hippie!

Wow, guys.

Like, really.  Wow.

Ya know, I’ll admit it right here — sometimes I talk like a lazy ass Californian.  I use the word “like” a lot.  I use “ya know” and “so, yeah” and “totally.”  To emphasize confusion or indifference, I will often end a sentence by saying, “I mean…” and shrugging my shoulders.

Make no mistake, though — I’m an eloquent motherfucker when I wanna be.  I can use words like “egregious” and “superfluous” in sentences.  I can pontificate about “hegemony” and “heteronormativity.”  I can say things like, “Her taste in movies has always been somewhat plebeian” and know what the hell I mean.

I’m also not an idiot when it comes to politics.  I stay informed as best I can.  I have opinions on issues other than immigration, gay marriage, and legalizing pot.  I drank lots and lots of red wine both times President Obama was elected (the first time to celebrate, the second time to help finally relax).  I find Anne Coulter irrelevant and I get a little bit irritated at Bill Maher when he has her on his show.  Really, Bill, there’s no point in giving her any more exposure.  She’s a nut.  She belongs in her basement.

Ya know what else I have opinions about?  Universal healthcare.  Obamacare.  The Affordable Care Act.  SOCIALIZED MEDICINE.

That’s right, SOCIALIZED.

All right, so, like, why the hell am I, like, totally talking about politics?  And, like, what’s this have to do with, like, hegemony?

Yesterday I was exhausted by 6pm.  Like, totally worn the fuck out.  I had to drive downtown to attend a tasting at a fancy-ass restaurant (oh, it’s so HARD to be ME and DUDES I ATE CROISSANT BREAD PUDDING), and the combination of LA traffic, total darkness, and a full stomach was rather Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz WAKE UP YOU’RE DRIVING THROUGH BEVERLY HILLS.  Realizing that I was far too tired to shower and blow-dry my hair before bed, I decided to stop at the CVS near my apartment and buy myself some dry shampoo.  Then I thought, screw it, let’s also get some Q-Tips and a new razor.  All the beauty.  All of it.  Just go wild.

I walked up to the entrance.  Standing in my way was a man in a suit holding a microphone, and a woman holding a giant camera.  I knew I didn’t exactly look camera-ready, but oh, how I hoped they’d ask me to maybe answer a few questions…

They did.  Well, it was one question.

“What are your thoughts on President Obama and the Affordable Care Act?”

“I think President Obama is doing the best he can.  I think that government programs like this one always create controversy when they’re first instated, and there are definitely a few kinks to iron out, but I think that if we all work together and act like adults everything will be fine.”

“Thank you.  What’s your name?”


“And your last name?”

“Like ‘Maria.'”

“Thank you.”

I went inside.  I found my dry shampoo and my Q-Tips.  I didn’t buy a razor because there was some kind of bullshit lock thing and I wasn’t about to go hunt down some person to assist me because honestly, I don’t really give a shit.  (Tonight, in fact, during my Pilates class, I wore my sexy black workout pants that show off my hairy calves.  I asked myself, “Would Amanda Palmer be embarrassed?”  The answer was a resounding “FUCK NO.”  I didn’t think about it again.  DEAL WITH IT.)

I got home.  I fell into bed.  I poured a glass of red wine…

Suddenly, I had a facebook notification from a friend: “Holy Cow, Just saw you on Chanel 9 talking about Obamacare — I never watch TV; I just happen to be in a hotel tonight. You looked great!”

What what WHAT?

I found the clip.  You guys…I FOUND THE CLIP.

My first thought was, “Shit, I should have asked them to give me a second to put on some lipstick.”  My second thought was, “Man, I really love that coat.”  My third thought was, “WAIT A GODDAMN SECOND, WHY DID THE WOMAN BEFORE ME GET SO MUCH MORE SCREEN TIME?”

I watched it again.

“I…think President O-BAAAAMAAAAAAAA….is doing the best he can.”


Ok, real talk.

Did I expect them to air my snarky comment about how we all need to “act like adults”?  Hell no.  That woulda been way too subversive of them (not to mention downright honest).  However, did I expect them to only use the three seconds where I sound somewhat…dazed?  I didn’t.  And that was my mistake.

You guys, this particular shitty news story was put together to further freak people out about the Affordable Care Act.  Ya got Bill Clinton talkin’ about how Obama messed up.  Ya got a doctor talkin’ about how the website is shit.  Ya got “Jody G” talkin’ about how she’s “disappointed in Obama right now.”  AND THEN YOU HAVE ME.  ME, going, “Errrrrrrrrm, uhhhhhhhh, Obaaaaaaaaaammmmaaaaaa…” while the words “Affordable Health Care Supporter” flash across the bottom of the screen.  “Jody G” didn’t say anything particularly interesting, you understand — she got more screen time than I did because she expressed dissatisfaction with Obama.  I, on the other hand, expressed patience and understanding.  Perhaps I didn’t sound like a Harvard grad, but I did sound like an educated person with an educated opinion.  Except, of course, during the part where I said, “UHHHHHHH….OBAAAAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAAAA….”.

“Liberal Media” my ass.  Lesson learned.  And y’all watch out next time yer buyin’ dry shampoo.

I’m going to watch clips from Network now.  And cry.  Because not much has changed.

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